I consider myself to be a pretty happy person. It's true, I've got the certificate from Yale to prove it! Remember that course that was kind of having a moment a few years ago, The Science of Well-Being, presented by Dr. Laurie Santos? Welp, I signed up with a group of 20+ friends, and was the only one to see it all the way through (I'll tell that story another time) ... Turns out, I'm so happy, I'm downright thrilled. Granted, this was years before my neighbor almost shot a guy, enduring chronic prowling, and the Summer I moved 5 yards of dirt, and 4 cords of wood whilst nursing a nasty shoulder injury, so I may be slightly less happy-go-lucky these days, I'm not totally sure, but fundamentally, I think it still rings pretty true.
What I can tell you is, I am by no means a 24/7 grinning idiot, but I can sincerely say that I experience genuine joy, or happiness, even if only briefly, every single day. I don't, however, ignore or push down any bad, or negative feelings in order to maintain some quasi state of bliss. This doesn't mean I've lived a pain free existence, or somehow made it through childhood without my share of traumatic events, but I'm neither an avoidant, nor a dweller. I just experience things as they come, as they're actually happening. Because of this, oddly enough, I've been accused of living in Fantasy Land more than once in my life, and certainly when I've drawn a line to protect my peace, which is a whole other topic altogether. Isn't that funny though? The person deeply engaged with the moment, and experiencing it head on, without over-dramatizing, or downplaying it can be the one we associate with checking out / dissociating, or having their head in the clouds, rather than firmly on their shoulders. What is it in humans that needs to see an individual who is successfully coping as the one existing within a delusion?
The thing is, I don't think happiness is the absence of sadness. To put it, perhaps, a bit too simply: To me, happiness is the acceptance that sad things are sad. When I'm sad, I let myself be sad, I don't go around trying to trick myself into feeling something I simply don't (or can't) feel in the moment, and the mood or grief typically passes in fairly short order. I think, in large part because I don't believe in wasting my own time by chasing the high of distractions when I'm feeling low in order to put off "The Sads" for later, emotions seem to pass through me a lot quicker than the otherwise would. In some circles, this is not always the popular approach (as you might imagine) which ... I get. Like, who just wants to feel bad? I don't think anyone really, actually does. I think if everyone had the choice, "Do you want to feel good, or bad?" Most people would choose to feel good, and I think our problem in society as a whole is that a lot of folks will then attempt to do whatever it takes to chase down, or hold on to that good feeling No. Matter. What. ... And in my opinion, that's actually what can make us quite sick, yet that's more or less what's been normalized, and most particularly within the "wellness" set.
Surprising though it may be, it is actually okay to feel terribly when something terrible happens.
It's genuinely pretty harmful to neglect our feelings, especially those rooted in material reality (rather than perceived insults, or slights). That's not to say insults don't hurt, I just believe there's a vast gulf between having a grouse over believing someone snubbed you when they simply didn't see you at town, versus having someone you love drop dead unexpectedly. Typically, one of those feelings is going to dissipate with a lot more ease, and without a lot of conscious effort than the other. I think it's pretty well established that we don't get very far in emotional healing by taking something as serious as the loss of a loved one, and just putting it out of mind because it's harshing our mellow. For decades now, we've been told not to bottle up our emotions, because it's bad. Yet, the emergence of "Toxic Positivity" has wasted no time putting New-Age-y types in a "Good Vibes Only" stranglehold that does just that very thing. Weird, right? I thought the whole Love & Light crowd was supposed to be all touchy-feely, and into overall mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, as well as personal development ... And maybe they are, or maybe that was the initial intention at least. What's unfortunate, though, is that I've seen a lot of friends fall into the trap of white-knuckling their go-to stash of shallow, saccharine sweet, feel-good platitudes they scroll through every time they need a "fix" in order to convince themselves that everything is alright, just to bypass feeling anything that might be considered negative.
Ok, so what's the matter with that, then? What's the big deal if someone's using whatever they think they need in order to cope with something unfavorable that they're going through? It's the simple fact that, first of all, it doesn't work. I mean yes, a positive mindset, and gratitude can be incredibly useful tools, but if you're not getting to the root of a problem, you're not doing a whole hell of a lot. You can put as many Live, Laugh, Love band-aids on top of a tumor, but unless you address the disease you're not going to be doing any significant healing. Second, it never seems to just stay there, does it? They want to help everyone else out, and share the awesome new trick that they think is helping them ... In the way many of us can find ourselves wanting to do. Think of the first time a child tries a lollipop. It tastes AMAZING, and they want to generously give everyone else a lick! The motive is all well and good, but it's still actually pretty gross to have a slobbery sucker waved in your face, or unexpectedly popped in your kisser! But unlike children simply wanting to share something awesome, another more militant thing emerges; foot soldiers of the High Vibe Society here to police your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to ensure your enlightenment, but most of all to ensure you don't bring anyone else down with any pesky truth. In the grand scheme of things, I don't have an axe to grind when it comes to do-gooders. I mean, ultimately they just want to help people, and I genuinely think that's cool. What I do have a problem with is the destructive methods they learn, and end up using to hurt other people, unwittingly or not.
Let's back up a minute. First, what even is toxic positivity? If we consult the webbernets we'll come up with a bunch of definitions I'll just mash-up here: A dysfunctional approach to emotional management that happens when people do not fully acknowledge negative emotions. More than not fully acknowledging negative emotions, it can push people to deny any trace of human emotions that aren't strictly happy or positive. Still though, is it that big of deal that some folks just wanna play pretend?
I'm a silver linings kind of gal, myself, so I understand the appeal of an optimistic outlook.
Realism, and optimism are not mutually exclusive, so, you know, barring any colossal catastrophes I legitimately believe when things go sideways, that everything will eventually work out alright. When I tell you I love a good old fashioned cheerful spin on things, I mean it, but this can get a little complicated. What doesn't kill you doesn't always, in fact, make you stronger ... Sometimes it mutates and tries again, and you can't just smile, and "happy thoughts" your way out of it. It's kind of the same with people. Sometimes those closest to you can go rogue, and stir up chaos and turmoil in your life, and use toxic positivity as a weapon when you have an appropriate reaction to what they've just done, wherein they can accuse you of having the toxic behavior (this is abuse, by the way), and if that doesn't work, they'll make the slightest change to their approach and try again, and again, and again until they reach their desired outcome. While this is a common occurrence in dysfunctional domestic situations, I've been floored to see this dynamic seep into several creative spaces I've been part of in the last handful of years, and it's left me pretty dispirited as far as reaching out, and cultivating community goes. I've always had a hard time with people who refuse to "read the room," or worse, don't even care about the current atmosphere of a space— if they're in a bad mood, they're going to make sure everyone's in a bad mood, if something lousy happened to them, they're going to pay it forward (misery loves company isn't a well-known cliche for no reason!), if they need something, everyone's going to stop what they're doing and give it to them.
I've seen people blow into spaces they've long abandoned, ignoring what's actually been going on in their absence, and immediately start complaining that the place they used to love just isn't fun anymore, never mind they've done absolutely nothing to contribute to the "fun" because they flounced, and left everyone else bag-holding a broken community. And sometimes in their absence, other things happen, blow-ups and blow-outs, disagreements, dynamic shifts, power struggles, and even an exodus that leaves folks reeling that these Johnny-come-latelys simply are not aware of, don't bother finding out, and simply do not care about, just as long as things magically go back to the way they were (with zero effort on their part). They claim: This place has turned toxic! Berating the very people who stuck it out, and tried to keep a thriving creative community vibrant and active. It's these kinds experiences (and there's been way more than I'd like to admit) that have made me come to terms with the fact that while "spiritually" I may be a joiner, in practice I'm way more comfortable cultivating my creativity on my own, in my little hermitess cave of solitude where there's no one faking it til they're making it, or girl-bossing their way into pseudo-happiness, there aren't hundreds of people pretending to be empaths who can feel your feelings more than you can feel your own, or whatever buzzy new thing everyone on the Tic Tac is talking about.
What even is my point? I don't know, maybe that a little self-awareness can actually go a long way? Maybe we all need to stop, and look around more often, and be honest about how we play into our own suffering, as well as compounding the suffering in others by relentlessly making our happiness everyone else's problem to fix? In the last decade there's been a lot of talk about toxic positivity in 1 on 1 scenarios ... Everyone's got a friend that you know you can NOT, under any circumstance, vent your problems to, unless you want them all brushed aside, belittled, or dismissed entirely because, yuck. There should be a dating app, but it's just for friends where you hook these people up with chronic trauma-dumpers so they can torment each other, and leave the rest of society alone!
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Where was I? Oh yeah! We talk about toxic positivity in relationships, or how it impacts cult-y wellness, and coaching circles, but I haven't really seen a lot of discussion on how it plays out in larger groups, and how it absolutely mangles fellowship, closeness, or any sense of togetherness we're able to muster. Why does any of this even matter? Like it or not, humans are communal creatures ... No man is an island, and all that, and yet as a species we're facing what feels like countless weapons of division these days. And what's so insidious is how there's more than one way to ruin something, it's not just the bullies and the brutes, it's not just abject violence, it's not only the obvious harms we inflict on each other that can hurt and destroy. Nowadays it's being done with a smile, with softness . There is something so deeply sinister in having cheerfulness wielded as a cudgel
cudgel this shit that makes it even creepier than being straight up punched in the face
we've got people pathologising normal human emotions because they don't want to feel LIFE
we quite literally make ourselves sick trying not to feel bad.
xoxo
