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| New tapestry for my someday art studio |
I don't know about anyone else, but I've had the hardest time getting into the "swing" of this here new year. I'm sure the invasion of Ukraine, and the fact that my family has extended family and friends in, around, and from the affected areas isn't exactly helping ... But even without the chaos of war constantly looming in my mind, it's been incredibly difficult for me to get motivated for anything, which is pretty strange for me, because typically I'm all: Let's plan it! Review it! Make a list (many lists)! And check them way more than twice ... But I just can't, like, get there ... Which is madness in itself, because I have everything I need, and arguably more, and yet, I'm just here in this weird purgatory. I mean, I haven't even done my 2021 wrap-up yet.
Think of it like your end-of-year book report, or summary where you take your daily planners, or journals, or whatever, and you look over what went well, and what didn't, and let them help inform your new plans, and how you'd like your upcoming year to go. Maybe that's my problem? Not a whole lot went particularly well for me last year, I mean ... It did, buuuuut it didn't. I don't know how to really explain it. Nothing tremendously bad happened to me, personally. Like, I didn't spend half the year in a body cast or anything, but I guess, maybe it's that so many of the things I had planned that I was really excited about just didn't come to fruition no matter what I did, or what angle I approached them from, and that has really bummed me out. Also, for the first time in a long time, a lot of my plans hinged on other people, and what they were capable of during a pandemic; I don't like relying on others at the best of times, and this certainly added an extra layer of frustration, for sure. Sometimes my expectations ran away with my imagination (as they often do), and other times I was just plain ol' let down. Contrary to what most of this post looks like, I actually can handle disappointment quite well, if it's happening in the moment. You know, I'd rather have someone just say that they can't do something, or even simply that they don't want to, rather than let me believe I've got a partner in something when I really don't. I can take a straight forward rejection, but I'm terrible at reflecting on more ambiguous situations, and figuring out what went wrong, and usually end up spending way too much time trying to piece together how I could've been more accommodating for the other person, when really what I need to do is spend time adjusting my plans to the fact that they won't be involved, but that's always been hard for me to do when the person I'm teamed up with won't take the band aid off with a clean rip, and they just pull it off hair by hair ... I get so used to them being around, that by the time the bandage is off, and I'm alone, I'm not necessarily hurt, but maybe just more like vaguely curious why I have a random red welt, and a mysterious bald patch.
So yeah, I had more than a few setbacks that were beyond my control, and there were definitely some places where I stood in my own way (as much as I hate to admit it) that left me feeling like I was constantly behind, and couldn't catch up. I honestly spent most of the year feeling like I was shooting the majority of my shots after the buzzer, and not understanding why my baskets weren't counting. Hmm, I guess after writing those two paragraphs, it's no real mystery why I haven't finished (ok, even started) last year's wrap-up, it sounds totally depressing, and draining to even contemplate revisiting!
Zoinks, Scoobs, looks like we solved it!
The year wasn't a total bust, I did learn some things about where I am right now, and my abilities, and that's always useful, but I feel like there are also some things beyond just plans getting junked that I'm not quite ready to face, however, I wholeheartedly believe if you never change anything, you just get more of the same, and I really don't want more of whatever last year was, and I also know that if I just take the easy route, and don't plan anything for 2022, my days will all blur together, until I'm in tears on December 31st wondering where my whole year went.
I also feel incredibly silly having a near-existential crisis over goal-setting with everything that's going on in the world right now. Trust me, I know exactly how dumb this looks. I've had my fill this week, myself, of entitled, and spoiled Americans moaning about how events on the other side of the world are too much for them to cope with, and how we shouldn't be expected to go to work, or do anything we don't wanna during war between two other countries ... Like???? First of all, I'm not saying you can't have your feelings ... We're all allowed to feel how we feel, but maybe read the room?
We don't always need to center ourselves in everyone else's tragedies.
And with that, I'm going to take my own advice. I'm going to cancel my pity party. So things didn't go 100% my way, so what? It's not like my neighborhood is being carpet bombed! There are much, much worse things in life than stuff just not going my way, so I'm going to buckle down, and eat my frogs first ... Albeit 3 months late, but first nonetheless, and I'm going to plan out the rest of my year, even though some days it all seems absolutely futile. The truth is, there are people all over the world, right now, fighting tooth and nail to live just one more day. It matters. Even though I get down sometimes, I hope I never forget the weight of that; of just how much it all actually matters.Thank you, Internet Stranger, for letting me talk it out with you. You have no idea how much you've helped me, and how much I appreciate you. I hope, if you're struggling with anything today that you're able to have your own breakthrough, and figure out what it is, or why it is that it matters.
xoxo
