Tick, Tock...

There is no such thing as "bad timing" -- this phrase spoiled, all-or-nothing hearts are wont to hide behind.  When you crave someone enough; when you can taste the life you're meant to live you will move heaven, and earth until it is yours.  Time be damned.

Sometimes circumstances arrive that can keep us physically apart from those we love.  There are also times when prioritizing something else above romantic desires must take precedence; a sacrifice for the greater good, as it were, but make no mistake there is always choice involved.  The act of removing the notion of choice from the narrative you construct for yourself, of willfully ignoring that you've had any part in designing your own list of priorities is naïveté on parade at best.

"Bad timing" is a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about the decisions we've made, assuage our guilt, protect our egos, or even keep ourselves firmly planted in denials we're not ready to address, but I've yet to be convinced it actually exists.  

I think it's dangerous to lie to ourselves, especially in this way -- to manipulate our own emotions, and shield ourselves from possibly uncomfortable realities because it makes us feel icky.  I think practices of this nature have an incredible ability to arrest our development.  This idea of inventing a pseudo-reality to escape the actuality of the moment is the equivalent of the closed-eyed toddler, fingers firmly shoved into ears, howling and wailing trying to drown out the word "no".  When carried further (and embarrassingly unchecked) it can become the building blocks of the good old fashioned privilege the ruling class gets to enjoy; the fantasy that so many marginalized groups have never been fortunate enough or deluded enough to go along with, having lived lives full of too many truths to believe in such fanciful notions of making up cute platitudes to improve one's emotional footing.

To me, blaming the things in your life that didn't work out on "bad timing" falls as flat as being "too busy" all of the time.  It keeps us from having to face what kept us "too busy" to do all of the things we told ourselves we wanted to do, as well as keeping us from admitting that timing, bad or otherwise had nothing to do with something not coming to fruition.

In relationships if we don't pin it all on bad timing, then our defunct default is typically "I'm not good enough", and once those words are uttered the only thing left to do is put the final touches on the guest list for our pity party.

Let's face it, keeping ourselves trapped in suffering is so much easier than owning our junk, or peeling back the layers to discover deeper truths of a situation.  

Maybe you are the most perfect person in the whole wide world, but the other person's path was taking them in a different direction, and they chose the path they're supposed to walk instead of the one you thought you were meant to forge together.  Did they choose something over you?  Yes.  Does it hurt?  Probably!  Rejection rarely feels good.  Does it have anything to do with you?  Probably not.  However, it seems our only popular option these days is lie to ourselves, or start the downward spiral of emotional abuse, and self-hate when things don't work in our favor.  What kind of crap is this?

How sad is it that we ALL know pain, but how many of us really know what it feels like to be contentedly thriving?  Is it because we opt for the wrong thing, or the painful thing because it's familiar, and at least we can find some comfort in that?  Are we afraid to feel anything better because trying something new is more terrifying than staying put -- whether that's in an unhealthy situation, environment, relationship, or frame of mind?  What on earth is the root of that kind of fear?  I sometimes wonder if it is actually a form of self-hatred that keeps us locked in crippling fear.  Clearly there are many forms of fear, and in this case I'm not talking about the kind of fight or flight fear that you would experience with a huge, frothing-at-the-mouth wild animal chasing you through the woods.  I don't think in most cases self-hatred would keep you from running like hell from that situation, or fighting for your life, however, there are always exceptions.  No, what I'm talking about is the fear that runs like a low-grade fever in your life keeping you from making the changes necessary to thrive.  I think the pervasiveness of that fear depends on the health of our self-esteem.  Don't get me wrong, we all experience fear -- people who love every aspect of themselves aren't magically immune to fear, it just means that the more comfortable you are with yourself, and the more love you show yourself, the less fear has the power to rule over your life. 

How is it, then, that self-hatred can show up as fear?  

There's no need to over complicate it, really.  Fear shows up every time we think we are too fat/ugly/weak/sickly/etc. to try something new, or different.  On top of that, what's the point of learning new methods or processing information that will elevate your life if you're too "stupid" to figure it out, or you're too something to apply what you learned, and just lazy enough to let it all fall apart, or fail in the end anyway?  All of this stuff keeps us down, and feeds the feeling that we don't deserve anything better.  Think of any negative self-talk we engage in.  It's ALL feeding fear in our lives.  I think once we can address that fear, and the root of it, and are willing to dissect it into whatever sized pieces we need to until the truth is exposed, we'll be well on our way to living the lives we actually want to live.  What I believe I know for sure is that whatever our root cause for doing, or not doing something, we need to not lie to ourselves about it, no matter how well intended,  and stop filling our lives and awareness with useless adages that keep us from uncovering what needs our attention most urgently, and keeps us separated from those who love us most.

xoxo