Where had all the positivity gone? Where was the creativity? Where were all the people trying to make this world and experience a better one? Why weren't more of us trying to enrich our lives and those of others, instead of tearing everyone down, and ourselves along with them? What's more difficult is when all this is found in the circles closest to us at any given moment in our lives. Suddenly you realize that you're not spoken to unless that person wants to complain about someone, something, or how bad they have it, and why they're not to blame, and every thing's unfair, and of course, they have no responsibility in their situation either. And then you start to see the people who are furious in their own lives but for whatever reason can't show what they're truly angry about (maybe they're worried how society will see them, or maybe they'll realize there's really nothing to be angry about at all), so they start projecting what's got their tail in a knot onto the people around them. Seeing this was an awakening all of its own. I would say seeing these people for who they really are, but I don't believe that. Perhaps seeing them for how they choose to be at this moment is the better explanation, because I know we are all capable of being better than how we are at any time in our lives. There is no limit to what we can be, and there is no cap to the goodness we can extend to one another. But in that moment when I opened my eyes to my personal situation, and those who were in my life in a close way ...
... for the first time in my life, I was lonely.
It was the worst kind of loneliness, in my opinion. It's one thing to be alone, and something completely different to be lonely in a crowd of people you actually care deeply about. I definitely believe that just because someone isn't loving you, or rather, expressing it in just the way you need, it doesn't mean that person isn't loving you with all they've got, but when respect goes missing, and ill-treatment begins, and one-sided relationships take over where something more whole once existed (or so you believed), then I think it's of the utmost importance to re-asses your situation.
I also believe that all change begins with me, not because I'm cosmically of almighty importance, I mean me, you, each of us, at home, on the singular level. The work needs to be focused inside. You know, kind of like scrubbing the light house windows, so the light can shine through nice and bright for everyone to see. With a little elbow grease, we'll get there. Some days we might need just a little squirt of glass cleaner, and other days we may just have to replace the glass altogether. The work will be work, for sure, but I think it is well worth it, the only thing we have to be sure of is that we are not afraid to be honest with ourselves. Otherwise all the things we do become utterly pointless. I for one, do not want to be an old, dilapidated shell of the greatness I once was, standing dark, and alone because I couldn't be real with myself, or I just didn't want to put in the work.
It was at that time, a year ago, that I decided I needed to throw myself a life preserver. I wasn't drowning anymore, but I was treading water at best, and getting very tired, I knew it wouldn't last, and I also knew that no one else had the responsibility of saving me. If you're not willing to be your own white knight, then you really shouldn't be looking off into the distance, and tapping your foot while waiting for one. I knew I had to do two things, one being the closure of the emotional gas station. No longer will I be willing to fill up anyone's tank of anger only for it to then be taken out on me, just because someone's needle is on E. And I started surrounding myself with beautiful things. Not expensive things, not material things, not anything that pumps my status up, not anything anyone else would think is "cool". Just beauty, mostly in its simplest of forms. And creativity. Since I was certainly low on it myself, I decided to at least put myself in close-ish proximity to some. That's where the blog list of "Creative Chicks" on my side bar originated. And while I was flushing myself of the disingenuous, and searching for something real, I came upon different blogs of seemingly genuine authors. They wear their flaws on the outside, and work from the inside out, they don't hide who they are, or pretend to be people they are not. They don't just say the words, and spit the rhetoric to impress other people, they say what they mean, and I believe mean what they say, no matter what. I find comfort in that. And I've enjoyed reading their words this last year, hearing of their triumphs and failures, sometimes seeing my own thoughts spread across someone else's pages. If nothing else, it is an honesty that is hard to find not only in person, but especially in a forum where you can "pretend" to be anything you want to from the privacy of the glow of your own computer screen.
So did it work? I think so. I'm not the same as I was a year ago. I feel more like myself, but different, newer, zestier, fresh-er ... ok, I'm not produce, but you get the idea. I haven't felt this way in a very long time, and certainly not since moving back to this area geographically. Am I travelling in the right direction? I don't know, but I'm moving in a forward motion, and not in a backward one, or one which moves away from my true self, and that, to me, is progress. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm not afraid, and I'm not losing myself this time for anyone.
Here's to another year! ;-)
