“Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And
then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?'”
-Carroll Bryant
speech on Charter Day at the University of California, March 1931
Scrabble /skrăb′əl/To scrape or grope about frenetically with hands or paws.
1. 78% 7. 90%
2. 92% 8. 80%
3. 72.5% 9. 83.3%
4. 70.7% 10. 80%
5. 88.88% 11. 93.6%
6. 80% 12. 95%
Did I hit 85% for my total 12 week average? No. Did I reach 85% individually for half, or more of my 12 weeks? Also, no. BUT, I think I did a really good job for my first time trying this out, and shoehorning my objectives into a system very much not built for them, and I was pleased to learn that my two highest scores occurred in the two final weeks of the outlined time frame. It meant a lot to me that I took this little experiment seriously, and I didn't just coast to the finish line. I really wanted to see what this program could do for me, and I was committed to showing up for myself as fully as I possibly could. I also think it's funny to look at my scores and see the weeks when I had particularly difficult physical therapy appointments & recovery, and the bounce back the following week reflected in the numbers. Mostly, I'm thankful that I'm still willing to learn new things in general, and new things about myself in particular ... Which reminds me of a little story (feel free to scroll ahead if you're not in the mood).
I have to preface this with the fact that I've never been the biggest fan of Oprah, I clocked her shtick when I was about 12 years old, and from then on never had much time for her. Don't worry, I won't make you sit through a deep-dive into what I think makes her disingenuous, so personal preferences aside, she's entertained a lot of interesting (some more harmful than others) topics throughout her career, and around the time she was retiring her namesake show, I caught an episode one day when she was discussing her lifelong struggle with her weight, and something she said knocked my socks off. Not because it was particularly brilliant, but that it was shockingly honest ... It was something literally anyone could apply to literally anything in their life, but something I think maybe most(?) of us probably don't. She said to whoever she was talking to at the time (and I'm paraphrasing here) that she would always declare how she was "willing to do whatever it takes" to get the weight off, and how whenever the topic came up she would repeat that almost like a mantra: I'll do whatever it takes, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll do whatever it takes.
But, it wasn't true.
Yes, she would punish herself, she would abuse herself, she would even shame herself ... Terrible diets, near starvation tactics, expensive chefs, flawed programs, you name it, but the one thing that actually worked was the only thing she wouldn't do willingly, consistently, and without a fuss: A consistent exercise routine. I mean, think about it, she was willing to exact certain trauma on her person, but refused to do the thing that worked, was the healthiest option, and arguably made her feel better in the process. Talk about a huge wake-up call! Now, I could've just let that segment go in one ear, and out the other, but something about it really stopped me in my tracks, in that instant I wanted to know ALL of the times I'd said to myself or another person, "I'll do whatever it takes," or some variation (because that's not a phrase I'm accustomed to using). However, the underlying question has serious validity to it. How many times do we exaggerate like that, and essentially lie to ourselves about something, and we don't even clock it? How much of our lives do we spend mindlessly spitting stories about ourselves? It's almost a little bit terrifying, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think we all do things (to one degree or another) that we know are not good for us, I don't think anyone's fully immune to a little self-sabotage, but what about the times we DON'T know we're doing it? Like, part of us really believes we'll do what's required - that we will do whatever it takes - and in the next breath, we'll begin to move through the world like our own biggest hater! How can any of us ever change anything we don't like, if we're not being completely honest with ourselves, and furthermore, what if that dishonesty doesn't even register as a lie to our consciousness? Where does a blind spot like that even come from? How on earth does it develop? Of course, I'm not naïve to the concept of human beings lacking self-awareness, but this example from the interview really takes the cake for me. How could something so blatant remain hidden from one's own awareness? Is it some kind of hardcore coping mechanism born out of trauma? Is it something that shows up more with certain personality disorders? Are we all just out here creating narratives where we're way more heroic, or valiant, or honorable than we actually are? I don't think it's that strange to want to be the leading lady / man in our own lives, but this feels like a bridge too far, no? Why is it such a struggle, sometimes, to see ourselves clearly? When I heard her talk about this, my switch was instantly flipped ON. I wanted to excavate every instance when I'd done this to myself; how many times I'd made the promise of doing what. ever. it. takes. when what I really meant was what I'm comfortable with, which takes me back to one of my favorite quotes:
You can't be committed to your bullshit, and to your growth. It's one or the other. - Scott Stabile
If you're unhappy with any aspect of your life, and you're also lying (knowingly, or unknowingly) to yourself about any aspect of it, you are not likely to be able to change anything about your situation in any meaningful way. You can read the books, take the courses, sign up for the mailing lists, join the seminars, add yourself to the groups, pray ... All the things, and none of it will matter if you can't get radically honest with yourself, and fully face the reality of your life, and that's precisely how I forever damaged one of my longest-held friendships.
Around the time I'd discovered that interview, my friend started up with some talk-therapy sessions ... I was excited to share what had blown the bloody doors off my brain, and he was eager to share his experience meeting his new counselor. If it's not obvious here, I'm very direct in my language (irl), while he was very much, not. I'm extremely into self-examination and am fascinated by human behavior, and he lacked all sense of self-identity, let alone the ability to scrutinize himself, and every topic had to be danced around, but I thought with the idea of therapy being floated that a corner had finally been turned, and we could talk frankly about healing, and coming to understand ourselves better, and we could freely share what we'd been learning. I could not have been more wrong. Looking back, it's clear to me now that the whole notion of getting help was completely lacking sincerity from the start, and was solely to secure a mask, and to learn therapy-speak in the hopes to better manipulate others. I was supposed to be buying into this performance; the illusion of growth. I was intended to be part of the adoring audience, not someone to kick around ideas with - a person who has actual opinions, thoughts, or insight, and definitely not someone to engage in conversation over any of it.
So I listened to the whole spiel. I was regaled with tales of pleasantries through the introductory phase. She was awesome! She was a ball-buster, and she didn't prescribe. She doled out homework, and to remain her patient, you either did said homework, or you were out. I heard things like: I need this structure! Finally, there's someone to help hold me accountable! I'll do whatever it takes! And I replied ...
"Well, you'll find out if you will."
In the novel, The Name of the Wind, Pat Rothfuss tells us, "There are seven words that will make a person love you." As it turns out, there are also seven words that will make a person instantly despise you, and in that moment, I found all seven of them. I wasn't even being snide, I was sharing the most honest, and helpful thing I'd ever heard. To me the sentence I followed those seven words up with, "You'll find out exactly what you're willing to do," is extremely empowering - it means data, it means information, it means more deeply understanding yourself, it means you can build a framework for yourself where your behavior / actions support your growth, rather than constantly making, and breaking promises to yourself, and wasting your time planning methods and actions you're never going to implement. It has the power to keep you from the doom spiral of self-betrayal. This is awesome, and positive in my world! Finding out all the things you're willing to do for yourself ... And, all of the things you're not willing to do, is life-changing! It is impossible for any one of us to fix or change what we are not willing to face, and so finding out how you're contributing to your own suffering should be a huge, and amazing first step in growth / healing / adapting, and ultimately setting yourself free. I find all of this absolutely exhilarating. My brain says, "LET'S GO!!! Let's find out ALL the things!" Apparently (judging by how time stood still after I said it), this is not how everyone else takes it.
I realize we're each on our own journey in this life, we're all experiencing different phases at different times, and sometimes people need a little space to toy with new ideas before they're ready to embrace them, but the sheer hatred emanating from my "friend" in that moment, because I dared to offer a thought with the slightest push-back was exponentially disproportionate (in my opinion), but to him I had found a way to completely shatter his entire illusion in just seven words, and he was furious. I hadn't paid too much attention to it before then, but a very carefully crafted persona was at stake, and while this one conversation wasn't entirely career-ending for our friendship, it was the one that ripped an enormous chasm through whatever it was I thought we'd shared, and we both knew it. As time went on, it was pretty disappointing to discover that someone I'd known nearly my entire life was far more interested in maintaining a false image than actually healing - he began collecting people who would live the lie, or at least look the other way in order to keep his most crucial lie alive, whereas I wanted people around me who had a backbone, and the guts to tell me the truth to my face, no matter the perceived cost. We, quite fundamentally, did not value the same things, honesty made him feel like a failure, and I learned the lesson that I couldn't whet someone else's appetite for expansion. He quit after three sessions.
That's why it made me so happy to see a strong finish to my first 12 weeks. I wasn't punking out on myself, and I created momentum I could ride into a good start on my next batch of weeks, and honestly, that was a nice bit of much needed motivation completely manufactured by my own actions, determination, and ultimately, results. Overall, I'm satisfied with my first experience implementing The 12 Week Year. I don't know if this is everyone's cup of tea, but if you're struggling to hit your goals with the methods you're already using, I would definitely recommend this for folks looking for something new to try. Granted, I had some difficulties to work through, but all in all, I haven't been disappointed with the process, and I did notice how my ambition sort of snowballed, and it became easier and easier to get my designated top priorities done. I think that is a huge improvement over trudging through laborious tasks on a long-winded to-do list, and I'm looking forward to what's coming next.
xoxo
