The Lunar New Year is upon us once again, which (if you don't know) is like, only the biggest holiday of the year for approximately half the planet. But if you're like me, and won't be lighting firecrackers, or dancing in the street with silk dragons, as awesome as that would actually be, you can certainly use this time of year to check in with yourself. My new year starts January 1st, but I like to use the time between then and now to sort of test out some ideas I've cooked up for how to show up for the next 12 months. Who am I going to be this year? How am I going to navigate the months, and challenges ahead? What do I wish to accomplish? How do I want to feel?
Typically, my goal-setting looks a little like this: Birthday & existential crisis in October, order new daily planner & start setting it up by November, wrap up & summarize the previous year, and begin dreaming up my future by the end of December so I can hit the ground running in January.
This, however, does not always go as seamlessly as one might imagine.
I find it's always good to leave a little room for the curve-balls, and some magic, especially because I'm the kind of person who will absolutely collapse under the pressure of super strict micro-management, even if (or particularly) when I'm the one scrutinizing myself. White-knuckling life isn't exactly an enjoyable experience, but another thing I know about myself is that I will totally zone out if things are too go-with-the-flow. Like, I will hang ALL the way loose ... Tie dye dresses and hammocks all day every day, and as I'm sure you're all quite familiar, bill collectors do not, in fact, prefer to be paid in vībz. So, finding and achieving balance has always been crucial if I intend to do more than just survive another trip around the sun clutching this rock for dear life, and this little swath of time helps me figure out what all of that means and what it will look like.
For many of you, you've already made and broken your New Year's resolutions by the 12th of January. And by "many," I mean 80% ... EIGHTY PERCENT (well, the 80% of you who made resolutions in the first place, if we're being totally accurate). Anyway, I'm not screaming that number from a mountain top to tease you, quite the opposite actually, it means YOU'RE NOT ALONE. This is an actual thing, and they're making it a pseudo holiday: International Quitters Day, which henceforth will fall on the second Friday of every January until the end of time, because that is when most folks simply run out of steam, especially if they haven't figured out how to set themselves up for success.
Now, before we get any deeper into this topic, I want to make it clear I am talking about New Year's resolutions here. If you're currently living with a disability, or experiencing a mental health situation that has you physically, mentally, or emotionally feeling like you're circling the drain please don't feel piled-on by this stupid blog post. You are a person deserving of love, care, support, and help. For anyone experiencing a hardship that hampers progress or improvement in their life, I know posts like these can be incredibly frustrating. Setting yourself up for success may look a whole lot different than it does for other folks, and that doesn't mean it's less significant - it's probably even more so in many ways. Sometimes the first step to changing an aspect of your life you're unhappy with is just asking for help. Oof, I know that's not a "just" kind of thing, but maybe it can be this time? I know having the onus thrust upon you when most of us live in a reality that involves a completely crumbling healthcare system, and personal relationships are strained to the max, and, and, and can feel entirely overwhelming, but if you're still here, and you happen to be reading this, you obviously think you're someone worth fighting for, so maybe you could do this one extra thing for yourself today.
If today's not the day, just roll over, curl up, get cozy, catch some zZz and get some deep rest while the rest of us chumps tally up our recent failures!
I often find that people talk about failure rates in terms of over-ambition, "Oh, they just bit off more than they could chew..." How many times have we all heard that one? But honestly (and this is purely anecdotal / observational), I think a lot of people give up on their resolutions because they simply are not fun. When you think of most resolutions, they're framed like a punishment; I have to quit this, or stop that, or give up a thing I love, or a vice that gets me through the day. It becomes this sick agreement you make with yourself couched in deprivation. It's like we're future-faking with ourselves: I'm going to feel SO much better later on, if I make myself miserable right now. I mean, that's a tool of manipulation that people use on each other to keep partners in toxic relationships, so why in the Hell should we be doing anything even remotely close to that to ourselves??? Wouldn't it make so much more sense if the process of building a future you actually want was something that you could enjoy? Doesn't that sound like something you want to be part of? Something you may even be able to stick with for longer than two weeks?
What's worse is when you do fail, it's treated like some great moral, or character flaw within you ... "They just didn't have the will power to stick to it, they didn't want it enough, they didn't even try," And so it goes. Frankly, I think we all know, once you're demoralized it feels near impossible to get back on track. Why bother even trying again if you just never had the chops to begin with? You then get to spend the whole rest of the year with these unfinished / unexplored goals hanging over your head (because they really did matter to you at one point), beating yourself up (because you're not doing the thing you promised yourself you were going to do), cut to next December when you're chalking up all of your flops, making new promises to yourself in spite of it all, the clean slate of January 1st hits: New Year / New Me, and you start the whole dysfunctional cycle all over again!
Like, this is actually a horrible way to live.
Ok, so how does a person break free of this then? Well, first you can ask yourself WWTYWDD? No, that's not a town in Wales, it's what would the Yang Wood Dragon Do? Apparently this is the year to tap into our strength, perseverance, and intelligence, to set intentions with lasting, and long-term impact. What a perfect time to revisit some goals and resolutions that have fallen by the wayside! If you find yourself wanting to reapply yourself to your original set of aspirations you had at the beginning of the year, don't take the same approach that didn't work before. Don't be afraid to reevaluate and do something completely different. One thing you have to get crystal clear on, though, is what caused you to fail in the first place? Get ridiculously honest with yourself. Once you have that sussed out, you can create a new plan of attack. I mentioned earlier about setting ourselves up for success, and that's more than just a glib phrase, trust me, I took that happiness course from Yale a few years ago (I'll definitely be talking more about that later in the year!) and the fact remains, your goals aren't going to just manifest out of thin air, you really do have to figure out how best to achieve them, but our planning often stops sort of at the administrative level when the reality is, we actually have to plan it down to the mundane, boring, obvious, monotonous, and plain old uninspiring levels. It's often not enough to just buy the running shoes, or new workout clothes, or nicotine patches, or canceling your wine of the month subscription box, or whatever, and it's definitely more than scheduling your day to fit a new activity into it. Achieving goals typically requires us to create new habits for ourselves, and new habits form best through consistent repetition, and I don't mean repetition like going to the gym every morning (if your goal is to work out more). It's about all the (if you'll pardon the expression) piddly shit that gets you there in the first place; getting your work clothes prepared, or packing the gym bag the night before, and getting enough sleep, so you can get up early enough, so you can get a proper breakfast, so your body has the proper fuel, so you can get out the door on time, so you can get to the gym with enough time, so you can get the most out of your workout, giving yourself enough time to get ready for school or work afterwards so your new routine doesn't become a burden on your current responsibilities, and so on...
Cool story, Sis, but how do even figure all of this junk out in the first place?
One tried and true method is simply to work it backwards (reverse planning). Start with your goal, and just take it step-by-step backwards until you've gone to a place where there is nothing before it, and THAT'S your real starting point. So like...
I want to start eating healthier,
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but before that I need to go shopping and buy better food,
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but before that I need to make a shopping list,
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but before that I need to figure out what ingredients I need,
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but before that I need to look up new recipes I want to cook.
Granted, this is a pretty rudimentary example, but these lists can get as complicated or stay as easy as you need them to, the method, however, remains the same each time, and is surprisingly effective. If you really think about it, many of us have some kind of idea of where we want to go, but we don't always know how to get there. By breaking out goals apart, we can see all the little mechanisms required to ultimately get the machine running smoothly. Once you can see all the parts so clearly, the mystery is gone, and the power rests solely in your hands and imagination, and I always find that a bit exciting.
If you've fallen off whatever wagon you tried to ride this January (so did almost everyone else!), and there's something truly important to you; something nagging at your soul, something you feel you absolutely have to change about your life, I hope you'll dust yourself off & hop on a dragon this time, and give whatever it was another go! It's so easy to fall into that post-holiday slump, and even easier to get lost in the first quarter grind, but there is still so much time ... There's practically an entire year stretched out before you just waiting to help you make your dreams come true. Go get 'em, Champ!
xoxo